The last 6 months have been a little rough. I posted publicly I had mono in the spring which kicked my ass. But as I was dealing with all of that I was also going to see my cardiologists for my PVCs. For those of you who don’t know what PVCs are like I didn’t before I was diagnosed with the 3 years ago they are premature ventral contractions. In non doctor speak, the bottom of my heart sometimes beats before the top. I’ve been having them as long as I can remember. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to feel my heart being all the time. It’s pretty normal for everyone to have a few of these day, but I have them constantly. They are pretty benign until you start having symptoms or they reach a certain percentage. The symptoms I experience are chest pain, fatigue, and anxiety, but I wasn’t having enough of them three years ago that they’d cause complications. I decided three years ago to forgo medication because I’d rather deal with the symptoms instead of dealing with more complications from medication.
Starting last fall they got worse. A lot worse. I don’t know why. It could be stress or it could just be me. They tried a lot of things over spring and summer to reduce them. Including medication and making me quit coffee. (While I had mono which might have been the worst torture ever) None of these things helped. I had to wear a halter monitor for two weeks. One of the weeks I was in Paris. They found I was having these PVCs 28% of the time. Broken down this means one out of every 4 times my heart beats I have one. Above about 20% PVCs over time can weaken your heart over ten years, on top of the other symptoms, because they are extra work for the heart. Not good. This classifies them as an arrhythmia now. So I got referred to an electrocardiologist. She told me I should have surgery to fix it. Surgery terrifies me. Being put under is one of my only fears. She wanted me to try medication first so this went into another round of medication for arrhythmias which are a bitch themselves. They have tons of side effects and only work 10% of the time.
The medication worked but it started to give me headaches. First it was only one a week. Then it was two a week and by 6 weeks in I’d had a headache for 10 days straight. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t write. I didn’t write most of the time I was on them. I could barely focus on anything. I was trying to finish Unscripted with a headache and I was miserable. They took me off the meds and I went in to meed with my electrocardiolgist. She told me I needed to have surgery. Because I don’t have a ‘normal’ arrhythmia she won’t touch the surgery. I have to go to Austin. I went to have a consult in Austin and talked to the doctor. He fully agreed I need to have a cardiac ablation to fix the issue.
I’ve been pretty fucked up over it and not really talking about it since I found out in August which is the main reason I haven’t talked about it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to focus on it. But this past week I haven’t slept. I fall asleep at night but then wake up after two to three hours and overthink as one with anxiety does. After a week of not sleeping and being at GRL I’m ready for this to be done. Surgery still terrifies me but living in the interim has been some of the worst days of my life. So heart surgery it is.
I probably won’t be around social media for a little bit after. If I’m quiet I’m recovering.
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Movie star 101: A smile hides all pain.
Quellcrist King has been playing a part his entire life. The more famous he becomes, the more he hides. The only person he ever let see the real him rose with him from nothing to the very top.
They were the king and queen of Hollywood— and then she wanted a divorce. The only way to survive his depression is to bury himself in work. If he can be a character, maybe he won’t have to remember himself. A gay role can’t be any different than playing a straight one, can it?
But instead of finding solace in the character, he finds it in his costar. Hale becomes his best friend, his lifeline, the light in his darkness. Quell is forced to examine everything he thought he knew about himself while filming intimate scenes with Hale that feel more real than anything ever has before.
He’s lived his entire life following the script. What would life be like unscripted?