Maybe rethink your comment.

I hate being misgendered. I’m not sure if all trans people feel this way, but for me it’s like being completely dismissed and people don’t see me. They see social norms, or hear my voice and no matter how hard I fight to be gendered correctly it’s a failure. I live in Texas and I get misgendered all day every day. I am not exaggerating. It’s not once in a while. And if I’m not being misgendered I’m being told I’m in the wrong bathroom no matter which one I use. If I, or other queer people, responded to each and every comment we get on a daily basis we would be ranting constantly. And I’m not talking about just online. We get them everywhere we go. I can’t live my live that way. I would be unhappy, and combative and I’d be the person people label as the ‘angry queer.’ More than that though it is exhausting to constantly correct people on your identity so much so that I don’t bother half the time. It’s not my job to educate people. It’s not my job to turn Texas on its head. I just want to live in peace and have people use the right pronouns most of the time.


I don’t think it’s even conceivable to most people how often I’d be correcting people if I did. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have to deal with these comments. Yeah, I know in a perfect world I’d correct people who constantly misgendered me and I’d blow their minds. Yeah in a perfect world I could wear makeup and not be misgendered, but this isn’t even close to a perfect world. If I post one picture of me how I go to the gym I’d get misgendered on social media. I do as much as I can to keep my image the way it is to combat being misgendered. I already deal with dysphoria looking in the mirror, and to have to face how people speak about me when I’m not around is too much at times. I’m trans-masculine, but I’m genderqueer. I’m not fully either gender. I do enjoy makeup, but I gave it up when I realized getting properly gendered was more important to my mental health. And I’m sure even talking about this most people won’t understand what it’s like to deal with dysphoria, or having to make this decision. I’m trying to give a tiny glance into a world where maybe like ‘just correct people’ or ‘you shouldn’t have to do that’ don’t get posted when a queer person is trying to share their experience and something that kills a little piece of their soul.

But it’s not only about being exhausting and disheartening and a mental fuck, which it is. It’s also extremely dangerous to live as I live. In the current climate, people are getting bolder with their hate. They don’t feel like they have to hide behind a screen anymore. Here is a link to a trans woman in Texas who was brutally beaten, her abuser confessed to the police. They have a fucking confession on tape, and he walks free. You know why? Because when brought in front of a grand jury the transphobic people of Texas decided not to bring charges. They decided that this woman who was nearly killed, and her attacker said he thought he killed her in the confession, wasn’t worth justice. The police and prosecutor did everything right. This wasn’t miss Handled evidence. This was a group of my peers in Texas sitting in a courtroom, looking at pictures of this woman in the ICU fighting for her life and deciding this man who beat her did nothing wrong. And that my friends is one of the reasons I don’t correct every person who calls me she.

So yeah, in a perfect world I’d probably wear makeup some days. Hell, I know a lot of my gay and straight guy friends who probably would. But we don’t because we know our lives are still on the line.

6 thoughts on “Maybe rethink your comment.

  1. As a gay cis male, I can’t even comprehend what yo go through. I certainly try my best to give everyone I meet the respect they deserve. It truly sucks that you have to deal with this on a daily basis. My heart goes out to you and anyone having to do this. Huge hugs. I hope for a day people can just be PEOPLE and not have to live in fear. Love.

  2. If it hurts my heart to hear what you are put through every single day, so I can’t imagine the pain you feel having to experience it. I pray some day soon it gets better. Everyone deserves to live their lives as themselves and not as some think they should. Sending you loads of love.

  3. If it hurts my heart to hear what you are put through every single day, I can’t imagine the pain you feel having to experience it. I pray some day soon it gets better. Everyone deserves to live their lives as themselves and not as some think they should. Sending you loads of love.

  4. I pray and hope that some day the population of this world will learn to be tolerant and respect that we are all different.
    I don’t have the challenges you’re struggling with so I can’t imagine what it feels like.
    Sending you lots of love and good thoughts 💕

  5. You write so beautifully, so please keep strong. Your writing is a gift, so don’t let haters rob you of it.

    I am of a generation where, admittedly I don’t understand much about trans because when I was growing up, that wasn’t on the radar, somehow.

    I am glad though that people have the freedom to be themselves now, and it annoys me when some people try to put others down, but do you know what? When people try to shame or put you down, bear this in mind – you are better off than they are, so life isn’t so bad. Why? That person who can only feel good about themselves by putting someone else down must be feeling extremely low about themselves – so don’t allow them to drag you down with them. If anything, it should make you feel better about yourself. After all, you are not so unhappy with your life that you are trawling the Internet/social media and leaving hateful comments to make you feel good about yourself for a little while. You are the subject of envy – you are doing good. They, on the other hand are extremely unhappy with their lives – and quite a lot of them are too dumb to realise what is fuelling their hatred.

    I’m not sure what you can do about misplaced pronouns etc. as that could be just down to ignorance, but the next time someone passes a hateful comment directed at you, know for certain that you are doing better than even just that one person at that point in time.

    I agree with you about hateful people being emboldened, and knowing the mortal consequences of being who you are must be terrifying sometimes. I don’t know you (clearly 😄), and tend not to read what most authors email out, but I read yours today. Why? I don’t know, but I believe God has a reason for everything (I am a practicing Christian).

    So was I meant to ask you this question (questions from strangers sometimes hit home better)? Do you have to remain in Texas?

    Life is too short. If you want to wear makeup, I believe you should be able to, but agree that to do so in Texas right now might be reckless. In being careful, a part of your soul is dying.

    Move somewhere where the majority of the people are decent, and will uphold the law when it is broken. Don’t live imprisoned by your neighbors. Be happy. Sorry I’ve written so much! God Bless you and keep you well (physically and mentally) and happy. Amen.

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