Trust is hard. This is real and gritty, and a lot of people don’t like to talk about doubt. But it’s there. We all have it, even poly couples, and ‘perfect couples.’ I can’t really talk about support and trust without talking about N. I usually leave N out of most of my work stuff. There are a few reasons for this, one of the big ones being he is private and I respect that. I already annoy him enough by stealing tiny parts of his personality for book characters. (Not sorry)
Trust isn’t a magical thing given at the beginning of a relationship. Sure, in a perfect world, but this isn’t a perfect world, and I had no idea what a good relationship even looked like when I met N. I had to teach myself what was healthy, and it’s not what you’re going to find in books or on TV, or even looking at friends social media.
We don’t have a perfect relationship. Not by any means. We have a good relationship, but there is a huge difference between good and perfect. Expecting perfection from any human is a set up for failure. Anyone who tells you they have a perfect relationship is either lying to you or themselves. Except that one couple, who were high school sweet hearts, and are still madly in love and you hate their pictures on facebook. No, I’m lying even they suck sometimes. (I do know a couple like this and they are disgustingly sweet on Facebook and I used to think there was something wrong with me because me and my partner weren’t like this.) And a lot of what they post and portray probably is their reality to some extent, but it’s not the full pictures and never will be. Facebook is only showing you what people want you to see, and none of it is the nitty gritty of day to day work to maintain a relationship.
I used to think the grass would be greener. I think we’ve all had this thought. There is always a hotter person, with a prettier package, and a life you could fantasize yourself right into. And I’m a writer, so I’m really good at the fantasy part of all of this. But it was never reality. The grass is never greener. Everyone is going to have that annoying habit you want to stab them in the eye for. (I can’t listen to N chew. It turns me homicidal) No one is going to pick up their shit all the time. They are going to be bitchy when they are sick and everyone is going to have bad days where you’re going to have to pick up the slack and put in 80 to their 20. Relationships aren’t even always 50/50. In relationships you get what you put in. Which doesn’t mean you can fix abusive relationships, but it does mean you can’t get complacent. You have to work on being good to someone like everything else in life, and you’re not going to be good at it at 20, it takes fucking practice and dedication to get there like anything else worth having in life. But it’s also worth it. Because I do have that person who supports me, and will always have my back.
I woke up one day and realized we were both just going through the motions. I’d become complacent. We weren’t bad, but we weren’t good. I didn’t have my best friend. He worked eighty hours a week, and I was happier on my phone or writing than spending time with him. Because of life circumstances I was down twenty pounds, hardly slept, and stress was eating me alive. I looked around and didn’t recognize my life or where I’d let it get to. I was faced with a choice. Do the hard work with this person, and move to Texas, the last place on earth I wanted to live, and make it work, or break up and stay in Miami which is still to this day, my heart. I probably didn’t deserve to go. And I say this knowing even a couple hundred people are going to read this and it makes me a little sick. Who likes to show the worst of themselves to strangers on the internet. Idiots that’s who. But it’s real and where I was.
There was a lot of self reflection, which isn’t fun, I knew what I did, and what I had to do. And even at times where N has hurt me in return, and I’ve wanted to run away, as far and fast as I could, I have looked back at what he’s forgiven and what we’ve built together and I stayed, putting in the work from the other side, the forgiveness side, which is shockingly just as hard if not harder.
As if you all needed all that back story, I’ll get to the real point I wanted to make writing this post. Trust. Someone not to long ago tried to come between the trust N and I have worked hard as fuck to build. They told people N drunkenly agreed when another person said that my gender identity was screwing up my kids. I’m sure if you’ve read any of my blogs, you know when all this went down. And I was so relieved when I heard this. I even laughed. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he’d never said this. It was bullshit, rooted in jealousy, loaded on to make a story seem like the person had ground to stand on. Those seeds of discord couldn’t find a home, because I trust N. More than anyone else on the planet I trust him, and this is how it should be. There is no one who’s defended me more, including standing at my grandmother’s funeral correcting my mom to her face every time she used the wrong pronoun when speaking to me. At a funeral. Because he knew I was heart broken enough losing my grandmother that I didn’t have the energy to deal with my family disrespecting me.
I wouldn’t be in this place to feel so good about N if I hadn’t put in the work and helped make us what we are. This person who has been so good to me and for some reason worships the ground I walk on. He’s the best, and I haven’t always thought so, but I was wrong and I know that now. He is literally a god. I must have done something really bad ass in another life to deserve him, and I’m not just saying that because he’ll read this. He shockingly never looks at my social media.