Home is…?

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For the last two months I’ve been mostly trying to ignore my impending move. For a few reasons: I really love Florida. I love my house. I love the area. The schools have really been great, more so this year than ever before. I don’t have many friends here, but my plethora of online friends makes up for it. The move instead of feeling distant now feels impending. It’s like a weight getting heavier everyday as I pack more boxes. I’ve never been sad to leave a place before and I’ve lived in five places in ten years. Usually I’m excited to move, to start a new adventure, but this time seems bittersweet.

I’ve only been to Texas once. I will miss my routine. My Starbucks, where everyone knows my name and my drink order. I’ll miss my spot at the library where I hide upstairs in the back. It’s strange the little things we become attached to. I’ve never had a ‘home.’ Sure I grew up in a house, but for a very long time I couldn’t wait to get out of it. I never understood the concept of ‘home,’ this place people grow attached to and never want to leave, but with every box I pack my chest aches a little bit more and I really feel like I’m leaving home.

My favorite time of year is starting. I’m sitting outside on my back porch, there is a stiff breeze, and it’s cooler out. It never gets cold in Miami, which I prefer. This has always been my favorite place to write, besides of course Starbucks. I finished my first eight books in this house. Four of which have been published. Before moving here I’d only finished one other thing. It’s going to be weird and a new beginning to write in Texas. So much of my life experience colors my work, I wonder how much effect Texas will have.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Texas scares me. More so after reading NYC to TX, and Back in the Closet by Santino Hassell. I’m out here, more out than I was when I lived in Wyoming. I’m different here, but no one says anything. I don’t want to go back to pretending to be cis anything. I don’t so much worry about making friends, people can take me or leave me, but I do worry about how my kids will be treated in schools there. I have to suck it up and try not to let my prejudice jade me to the experience. I will force myself to think happy thoughts as I continue to pack. 

I wouldn’t be moving unless it was to bigger and better things, and I truly believe it is. I’ve never seen my partner this happy at a job and he’s only been there a few days. My job is more or less portable, so the move is impossible to say no to, but it’s like a sprint for the finish line in a race I don’t want to win.

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11 thoughts on “Home is…?

  1. ((hugs)) Maybe you’ll get to move back some day. Until then, fight to bloom where you’re planted. I know TX gets a bad rap quite often, but I probably have more online friends there than anywhere and they are some amazing, kickass people, so they ARE there. You’ll just need to find them. 😉 (And all this is very easy for me to say because I have NEVER moved from the city where I was born… Moving would rock my entire world, so this is totally a ‘do as I say not as I’d do’ type of comment.) ❤

  2. JR, I’m in Dallas and I can tell you from experience that there are awesome people here who will accept you just the way you are. I’m not going to blow rose-colored smoke and say everything will be easy and you’ll never run into idiotic bigots — Irving pretty much blew that out of the water recently. But it’s actually a pretty decent state around the cities, and it’s possible to change minds.

      1. I’m not remembering where it is in Texas you’re moving to, but if it’s Dallas I can talk to some of my friends and get references for places you might like to go, get-togethers, etc. Just drop me a line.

  3. Through all our moves I always figured home was where ever our family was, even if sometimes it took longer for my furniture to get there lol. I’d like to think that every opportunity opens up some new insight into ourselves. Perhaps this is just a stepping stone onto greatness and more happiness and besides….

    “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”

    Children are resilient…they will learn from your strength. Creating a home…guiding them…loving them unconditionally and they will be the next generation to help change the world. xox BSG

  4. I hesitated commenting, since I can’t speak to this from experience, which makes it far to easy to end up patronizing. So just this; we’re here for you, even if it is just as a thought.

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