I’ve really felt like a huge introvert these past few weeks. Between packing, showing my house, writing, and being sick I’ve not wanted to do much but hide out with a book by the end of the day. I’ve read three this week and I fully admit I have a book devouring problem. But I’m not an introvert. While trying to describe myself this idea came into mind, and I’ve decided I’m a mix of introvert and extrovert. So I went to Google to see if someone had put a name to such a thing. They had!
Ambivert: n Someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion.
Everything is a spectrum! (Insert evil laugh) Even when you think it’s not a spectrum, it is. Everything is GRAY.
Writing is a lonely endeavor. At times this suits me nicely. I love the silence. I do love to socialize, but I also find myself raw from too much of it, whether it be from friends, or social media, or even too much time on my phone. There are days where it feels like a chore to interact. It has nothing to do with depression. There is not a better way I’ve found to explain it than this feeling raw from over exposure.
I’ve always spent a lot of time alone, and maybe this comes from being homeschooled, or maybe it’s because I was a swimmer for so long. I center myself with the peace of solitude. I know I suck at small talk, but I’m not an introvert, when I’m passionate about a subject I never shut up. I don’t dread going out with my friends. There are times where I love to be social and talk to everyone under the sun. Whole months even were I talk constantly. I’ve found the point I am in a book effects this as well. When I get close to finishing a book it consumes me. Everything else feels like noise, even small talk. I want to crawl inside the novel and focus until I’m finished. Talking about anything else gets to be like nails on a chalk board. The same thing happens when I’m at rough spot in my manuscript. It’s like a puzzle I can’t let go. It haunts every waking hour and I turn it over and over in my mind like a damn Rubix cube.
After a long talk with a fellow author this morning I’ve decided I’m not going to try and make people understand this anymore. When I’m around and feeling social I’m around, and when I don’t feel like interacting and I vanish for hours or even days to find the peace I’m not going to apologize. I know in this word we live in, and more so as an author, there are some unreal expectations to be visible and all over social media at all times. It works for some, but being glued to my phone and social media twenty four hours a day doesn’t work for me. I don’t even check my personal Facebook, my friends not connected to my author name know where to find me when they want me. No one should have to taper their behavior to please anyone else. I spent a long time doing it for someone I thought loved me and it wasn’t enough. I’m not willing to do it ever again.
My load seems lighter this coming week and I had a fucking amazing week. The house is sold for more than I expected. WOOHOO. I gave a friend back their smile which felt really good. I had a really great writing week. I feel like I’m getting back in my groove. I’ve let two betas read the first 15K of Clouded Hell and the feed back blew me away. I’m getting more excited about it and I’m going to get it done this month. I also got back some great comments on another piece as well.
My song obsession this week is: Hum Hallelujah by Fall Out Boy. This is one song I always come back to and every time I do it has a different meaning for me. This week it had a message I needed to hear. It’s also the song my lyric tattoo is from.
To do list:
Finish Clouded Hell
Decide how to work in the comments on His Vice
Pace myself reading Magic’s Price because I’ve been devouring books lately and I want this series to last. (Although I did just buy three new books at the library this morning.)
Hold on to the clouded days.